Thoughts of You

Thoughts of You

I sit. I wondered. I conceived.

Wings out stretched like the fairies in my dreams

The image of you etched into my mind

The music of your voice in my ears

Like the wind that whispers in the trees.

I sit. I wondered. I conceived.

Butterflies fluttering searching for a drink

The image of you dashed into my mind

Hugging and kissing and falling asleep

As my heart races so fast 

Making me nervous and thrilled.

I sit. I wondered. I conceived.

Everything went blank like windshield wipers had washed it clean

The image of you hurtled into my mind

Drinking your scalding coffee

So hot it burned my tongue

I held myself back.

But you make bitter things sweet

The pools of our passion cascading like you are my endless summer high.

I sit. I wondered. I conceived.

To be with you is happiness and bliss.

'A Fairly Sad Tale' in real life

He said "Hi", I said "Hello". And the following conversations were predictable.

You know, boy meets girl, and they started talking and laughing as if they know each other really well. He started asking for her attention and caring for her. She doesn't know how to respond, so she asked "why?". She told the guy that she's a mess, and her life is a mess, that she's a troubled girl, that no one would want to be with her and stay with her because she's different. She's not like those simple girls. She always wanted to be different. She's nothing but a chaos..But he said he doesn't care. And he stayed.. And he broke her wall, and so..she fell in love with him..

I know he's not perfect. I'm not either. And both of us will never be perfect.

I'm not desperately looking for someone, but then he came. You came. We both know we are in love. or you 'were' in love, or maybe you are still, or perhaps not. But we still have each other no matter what. 

I love it when you say I'm pretty with or without make up. And I love how you tease me when I'm moody and it's always enough. I love how we can be silly together, and we can make fun of each other and give each other a hard time, but we know we are just messing around. And we also have really intellectual deep conversations. Even though we fight a million times over simple things, we still manage to make it better. We have so much respect for each other and we love each other so perfectly even though we're not saying those magical words directly, we both know that we love each other. And God knows how much I'm falling so fast, and for the first time in my life, I'm not scared at all.

Meeting you is one of the best things that ever happened to me. And as day goes by, it feels like I discover something new about you to love. You touched my heart in a way I never knew before. And it was amazing.

But..things changed over time. I'm pretty much aware of that. It's just the fact that it happened too soon, and I'm not ready. I was too happy and in love that I'm not ready to take such pain. I'm not ready to accept any of those things as reality. Reality that you fell in love with someone. I don't want it to be real, it just can't be. Thinking about those thoughts...I just feel so empty and numb. It's going to be unbearable and it made me sick. It made me ask myself WHY. Why such things happen. What did I do wrong ? What will happen to us ? How about me ? I want to ask you all of those questions. But I found myself asking you a question I shouldn't have asked. And you chose her. And everything turned black. You're the only person I took a chance with. You're the only person who made me believe in love again. But You broke my heart and I don't know how to respond.

It's really hard to treat someone as ordinary, when in fact very special...to keep calm, though you're very jealous.. to move on your own, with an empty and totally wounded heart... to smile even in deep pain...to let go of the person you dream forever with..and to give up everything.

I know I deserve someone who will choose me, and will never stop choosing me. I deserve to be happy and I deserve someone who will love me unconditionally, and ONLY ME. I know that. But I just can't let you go. I don't care if I'm being stupid, but, I wanted to fight for someone who's very important to me. I don't care if that's being crazy, but I will still be here for you, and knowing that you still feel the same way, knowing that you still want me in your life, that's enough. I know it's going to be different this time, but I will not just sit here and wait. I will say everything that I always wanted to say. I'm not going to be scared on anything at all. 

I'm not sure what the future holds.. But I want to take every moment and make it perfect. 

"Fall hard, fall long, and fall forever...."

Everyone is going to love a person who will never love them back. You will sit there in the corner of  your room, crying..because he will never like you. Too bad people don't fall in love at the same place, at the same time, for the same reasons. That's life. Falling in love is a solo act. I learned that the hard way. You know... you just jump over there and hoping that he will catch you, but NO, he won't. You will end up into that scary place ALONE. And you will experience that again with another person, until you find the right one.

And so... here I am. Again. I wish it could be simple, like my favorite pop song. Or like my favorite love story. I want you to want me. That's it. End of story. Happily ever after. But it's really never like that. I tend to like the ones that NEVER see me in that sort of light.

We waste our time, waiting for that perfect moment to express what we feel. And we don't take time to say the things in our heart when we have the chance.

So to the guy that makes me dancing on air happy, and makes me sad at the same time right now... YOU HAVE NO IDEA how much i wanted to talk to you. To send you a text message. To see how you've been the past few days or weeks. And to tell you how much i really wanted to be with you. But I already know that you will never like me. I knew that even from the start. Because, inevitably, you like someone much better than me. She's so pretty, and I'm so lame, and you're so great, and we're FRIENDS, and it just can't happen.

But you know what? Even after five years, you can still knock on my door and I will welcome you with my arms wide open... Because....still...I want to be the one that makes you feel better. I want to be the one you can giggle and do silly things with and know that I will get it because you know, I'm just as crazy and dorky and goofy as you. I want to be the one you could share your innermost feelings with. I want to be the one that makes you believe in yourself more than you ever did before. I want to be the one you want to talk to when your heart is overflowing. I want to be the one who you know will understand, even when you have no words cause you wouldn't know how to explain. I want to be the one who makes you wholeheartedly believe in love again. I want to be the one you fall in love with.

I want to be the girlfriend, period. Not the FRIEND. Not the confidant or any other else. And certainly not the second choice. I want to be the one, the one, the one and only, for you. I want to be the person you're scared to lose.

I keep on telling myself, "STOP falling. You have enough bruises on that poor heart of yours.."

But I guess, at some point, You've got to stand up for what you feel, and JUMP. Quit being scared of all the what ifs'...or maybes' and just freaking jump....and FALL. "Fall hard, fall long, and fall forever...."

Life is NOT a fairy tale

It's been a while....& a lot of bad things happened.

Things are getting more complicated. And it's true, real life is nothing like fairy tales. This world is so cold....& CRUEL. It's like I've got all the shits in the world.

They say, "overthinking ruins you, ruins the situation, turns things around, makes you worry, & just makes things worse than they actually are". But you know, it's so hard not to think about all those bad stuffs around you, specially if people who are important to you are involved. And I can't do anything, aside from thinking and dreaming about ESCAPING. I'm so mad at this world right now. And I've got nobody to talk to, coz it feels like all the people around me doesn't care at all. I'm not sure if it was me who gives wrong signals, making people think that I'm totally okay, where in reality....my life is a mess, & I just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. Or maybe they're also too busy with their own goddamn life, dealing with their own goddamn problems. Or maybe.... they just don't care at all.

It's that kind of pain that nobody can fix.
It's like a hole in your heart that will be forever empty. And everyday, I'm trying to hide it. EVERY SECOND OF EVERYDAY I'M TRYING SO HARD TO BE OKAY, and it kills me. My smiles aren't fake (atleast not all of those smiles). It's just that... I'M NOT OKAY. I am really not okay but I keep on trying to be okay because I need to be okay. :(
Sadness and misery are much more frequent in my life right now than those of happines

I feel invisible and worthless. Like misery is an old friend. But I still hope that all these horrible things will bring me something amazing soon.

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This Year....

I didn't get into the Christmas spirit last 2013, same with New Year. Aside from being SOOOOO busy (being a Teacher ain't a joke. I tell you), I've also been trying to focus on other things. But don't get me wrong, because I still do love Christmas & New Year :) 2013 has seemed to drag on for me. From 'those people I expected the most' , to "those people who let me down the most'.

With that said, I do have some resolutions for 2014...Yes. GOALS.

1. READ MORE BOOKS.

I don't want to waste my time anymore in stuffs that doesn't really makes sense. Like daydreaming & thinking & wondering on every single thing that's happening to my life. I don't want to over analyze simple things anymore. So instead of doing nothing, i will read books. I will try my best to read as many GOOD books as I can. No matter how busy I am, I really need to make time for it :)

2. TAKE PICTURES. CAPTURE AWESOME MOMENTS.

I can't emphasize enough how much I want to do this. I missed out so many amazing shots last year, wonderful moments...So now I'm going to take as many pictures as I want to. I want to have different insights to things by taking pictures.

Taking pictures. Keeping memories :)

3. Exude confidence ! Fake it until you make it !

Note to self:

Stop being unhappy with yourself. BE CONFIDENT OF WHO YOU ARE. SMILE. Screw other people.

"I am better than I allow myself to believe I am.

I am better than locking myself away in a single-room and not telling anybody that I can’t stand it or anyone around me, even when they ask. I am better than getting told “I’m sorry” every other day by someone who sure will say they’re here to help when I do confess my problems and self-harming behavior, but aren't anywhere to be found when push comes to shove. Most importantly, I am better than allowing myself to suffer like that because, ultimately, I am the one in control. I am an awesome person, and I deserve to be treated as such … especially by my own goddamn self."

4. Don't get too attached to people.

Never give permanent feelings to a temporary person.

Don't get too attached to people. Coz like most everyone else, at some point, they will leave you. Sad, but true. Not because they dislike you, but because they have greater priorities that you won't able to compare against.

5. I'll no longer let people walk all over me.

*NO EXPLANATION NEEDED.

6. LAUGH MORE, WORRY LESS.

 I deserve to be happy. So I'm going to be happy :) There may be sad things, but with God in my life, I know I can handle all things, because God loves me.  I will focus on things that really matters, & let go all of those things that I know will never help me.. Be strong& try my best to not let anxiety win over me. 

I want to enjoy life more. NO PRESSURES. NO DRAMAS. I want to be more positive about life. and most importantly, I WANT TO BE ME. & I want to be happy with that :) I will try to do things for myself & not for other people. I will not try to be someone else.  I WILL DO WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY. I WILL DO WHAT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD. Screw what other people think. I will just simply enjoy life. This year, POSITIVENESS will commence. :)

7. LIVE.

 Live with passion. Live with wonder. Live with joy. Live with hope. Live with GOD :)

-Ann Gelli

Here's to a NEW beginning !

2013 wasn't my best year. But it was a year filled with new lessons, adventures and new opportunities :)
Life is an amazing book where God is the author & we are the pen working together to write something beautiful. So I am looking forward to write a good one for me.

New Year is the start of a new chapter of our lives. I love New Year  It makes me stop from everything & appreciate what has been done over the past year & gives us all a fresh new start. :) All the triumphs and failures. Mistakes & lessons. Thinking of all those times, it gives me courage to be able to live my life to the fullest. I am also thankful for those people who became part of my 2013. They really helped me a lot. Whether they did something good or bad to me, I am very grateful, for without them, I will never be the person I am right now. This time, a BETTER person, with a purpose-driven in life. I thank God for the year that he has given me & my family, & I look forward to the year ahead. With my FAMILY, with my FRIENDS, & with the NEW people around me. New people that I will encounter, EVERYONE. I am looking forward to it. I want to have a blast this year. I want to prove something. But this time, NOT TO OTHER PEOPLE, BUT TO MYSELF. It's time to start making new memories, new experiences, new lessons, & greater glories. There is beauty in new beginnings. :)

In with the NEW & out with the old. THIS IS TO 2014 !

-Ann Gelli :)

Thanks for dropping by !

His eyes. His lips. His smile. His face. 

His silly jokes, to his wise words full of wisdom. 

The way he looks, the way he looks at me. The way he talks, the way he talks to me. Just like that, my heart started pounding really fast, and my face started to glow. And I know I'm crazy because I barely know him, so I don't know. What the hell. Actually, I'm not attracted to him the first day we met. Maybe it had something to do with his awful short and brown sweatshirt which is kinda big for him. Next thing I know, I kept on looking at him and waiting for him all day to talk to me. It's weird but, in my head I've had this image of the guy I want to be with, then, the next day, he totally evolved to that kind of guy, my kind of guy. And we started to talk and laugh like there's no tomorrow. We had some serious conversation about his life, so I got to know him more. Maybe I like him, but I don't want these feelings to grow because I forgot to mention, he has a girlfriend. end of story. k. bye. 

But I'm glad we became friends :)