Thoughts of You

Thoughts of You

I sit. I wondered. I conceived.

Wings out stretched like the fairies in my dreams

The image of you etched into my mind

The music of your voice in my ears

Like the wind that whispers in the trees.

I sit. I wondered. I conceived.

Butterflies fluttering searching for a drink

The image of you dashed into my mind

Hugging and kissing and falling asleep

As my heart races so fast 

Making me nervous and thrilled.

I sit. I wondered. I conceived.

Everything went blank like windshield wipers had washed it clean

The image of you hurtled into my mind

Drinking your scalding coffee

So hot it burned my tongue

I held myself back.

But you make bitter things sweet

The pools of our passion cascading like you are my endless summer high.

I sit. I wondered. I conceived.

To be with you is happiness and bliss.

'A Fairly Sad Tale' in real life

He said "Hi", I said "Hello". And the following conversations were predictable.

You know, boy meets girl, and they started talking and laughing as if they know each other really well. He started asking for her attention and caring for her. She doesn't know how to respond, so she asked "why?". She told the guy that she's a mess, and her life is a mess, that she's a troubled girl, that no one would want to be with her and stay with her because she's different. She's not like those simple girls. She always wanted to be different. She's nothing but a chaos..But he said he doesn't care. And he stayed.. And he broke her wall, and so..she fell in love with him..

I know he's not perfect. I'm not either. And both of us will never be perfect.

I'm not desperately looking for someone, but then he came. You came. We both know we are in love. or you 'were' in love, or maybe you are still, or perhaps not. But we still have each other no matter what. 

I love it when you say I'm pretty with or without make up. And I love how you tease me when I'm moody and it's always enough. I love how we can be silly together, and we can make fun of each other and give each other a hard time, but we know we are just messing around. And we also have really intellectual deep conversations. Even though we fight a million times over simple things, we still manage to make it better. We have so much respect for each other and we love each other so perfectly even though we're not saying those magical words directly, we both know that we love each other. And God knows how much I'm falling so fast, and for the first time in my life, I'm not scared at all.

Meeting you is one of the best things that ever happened to me. And as day goes by, it feels like I discover something new about you to love. You touched my heart in a way I never knew before. And it was amazing.

But..things changed over time. I'm pretty much aware of that. It's just the fact that it happened too soon, and I'm not ready. I was too happy and in love that I'm not ready to take such pain. I'm not ready to accept any of those things as reality. Reality that you fell in love with someone. I don't want it to be real, it just can't be. Thinking about those thoughts...I just feel so empty and numb. It's going to be unbearable and it made me sick. It made me ask myself WHY. Why such things happen. What did I do wrong ? What will happen to us ? How about me ? I want to ask you all of those questions. But I found myself asking you a question I shouldn't have asked. And you chose her. And everything turned black. You're the only person I took a chance with. You're the only person who made me believe in love again. But You broke my heart and I don't know how to respond.

It's really hard to treat someone as ordinary, when in fact very special...to keep calm, though you're very jealous.. to move on your own, with an empty and totally wounded heart... to smile even in deep pain...to let go of the person you dream forever with..and to give up everything.

I know I deserve someone who will choose me, and will never stop choosing me. I deserve to be happy and I deserve someone who will love me unconditionally, and ONLY ME. I know that. But I just can't let you go. I don't care if I'm being stupid, but, I wanted to fight for someone who's very important to me. I don't care if that's being crazy, but I will still be here for you, and knowing that you still feel the same way, knowing that you still want me in your life, that's enough. I know it's going to be different this time, but I will not just sit here and wait. I will say everything that I always wanted to say. I'm not going to be scared on anything at all. 

I'm not sure what the future holds.. But I want to take every moment and make it perfect.